We had fun last time, didn’t we? So, the good folks over at Ripped Laces gave yer boy another shot at a review.
This leads me to the next choice of shoe I review, which is the Nike SB Zoom Dunk Low Elite.
Last minute addition by author:
I could not imagine the excruciating pain Sean Malto experienced after his near-career ending ankle injury that he suffered back in 2013, who the Dunk Low Elite is modeled for his namesake. That was, until I watched the recently released video of him and Donovan playing a game of skate and Malto attempting to “talk shit.” After clicking play, I suffered trauma to my ear drums that rivaled child birth mixed with mechanically aided sodomy. Nobody wants to see Theotis Beasley in rehab slapping prostitutes, same goes for Malto; just be a proud member of #TeamNiceBoy and keep being one of the most technically advanced skaters on the planet.
That should be good enough.
“Hey Max, why are you reviewing the Dunk?” Well, I’ll get into the specifics in a few sentences, but first I wanted to ask some questions that the recently released documentary on the Dunk, “15 years of SB Dunk”, had me asking.
Well one really: In the first 30 seconds a voice over says “people like skating in them because they like feeling their board.”
Boardfeel? Boardfeel??! Boardfeel is the last thing I think of when I think about Dunks. A good Nike Dunk is like your dad’s baseball mitt: broken-in and drinks too much. Maybe for the 30 year anniversary Nike will interview people who actually had to pay for their Dunks. Just a thought. Moving on.
Pssst….I’m gonna let you in on a little secret. I love a Dunk, but maybe it’s that I like the idea of a Dunk. It’s like dating a stripper: sounds awesome ’til you have to help her do laundry. Being that I’m in my 30s, albino and 6’2, I thought my Dunk days were over, but after spending some time in Spain with one of my favorite skaters, Taylor Nawrocki, I thought I’d give it another try. Taylor Nawrocki is the kind of skater that makes you want to wear Dunks. Few things look as good on-board as a worn-in pair of Dunks coupled with the perfect pant. An added bonus to the Nike Dunk is that they’re flood proof, high-water resistant, tight-pant-rolled-up-cuff-mid shin resistant, if you didn’t get the first two metaphors.
“Wow Max, write enough already? You didn’t even get to the review yet.”
Patience my children. I talk for a living. No one said being my friend was easy. To the shoe.
First impression upon opening the box:
It’s like the Nike Dunk got a day job and a gym membership. It needed to slim down, sober up, and still cringes when people tag it in old college days photos on Facebook.
Nike made it ok for an almost middle age, white man from the Midwest to feel comfortable at the bar in a pair of Dunks. Why don’t they just call the shoe that? So, as I sit at the corner of my favorite bar in NYC, Goodnight Sonny, coming straight from a skate/sit session with other master division skateboarders (plus-30 crowd), I actually don’t have to hide my feet under the bar railing when attempting to court a 20 something member of the opposite sex (independent, strong minded, and consensual) who thinks I’m ordinary until she looks down at my feet and catches a glimpse of a fucking clown shoe. You see, dating civilians is hard enough when you’re a comedian that often works for free, never mind the insurmountable task of telling them that you also, in your 30s, still play skateboards. So I’m here reviewing the Zoom Dunk Low Elite – a slimmed down version of Nike’s staple offering.
Bar-ability (my word – meaning: able to wear to bar post-skate sesh)
5/10 – which is 10/10 in the world of Dunks. It’s a shoe that on Richard Mulder or Gino might look perfect, but on me looks like a snowboard boot that often goes to battle with my khakis. The dreaded Dunk-eats-pants situation. The slimmed down version remedies this situation; think Nike Dunk, but for an accountant.
Walk of Shame
2/10 – You ever wake up at a stranger’s house and try to silently slip back into a pair of Dunks with a hangover so bad they could name a mountain after it? You’ll end up with the exact broken ankle you tried to prevent by wearing Dunks in the first place. To put it in fewer words: Dunks have morning breath.
10/10 – Most skaters look to the Nike SB Dunk for support, because no one in their family is giving them any. A slightly slimmed down version like the Dunk Low Elite is like a rich aunt who buys you cool shit like skate mags and cigs.
10/10 – The Nike Dunk is future-proof. Period.
Buy this shoe. I know I’ll catch flack from Dunk Fans that think slimming down the original version is like pouring ketchup on filet mignon, but as long as the traditional version stays in production, both worlds can exist. Plus, who wants to have a conversation with sneaker heads anyways? They’re scarier than church.
Big thanks to the staff over at RL and Premier Skate Shop for the opportunity.
Let me know which shoe you’d like me to review next!
Max White is a New York City-based comic, skateboarder and the host of the Max White Presents… podcast in which he talks to, you guessed it, comics and skateboarders.