Which Shoe Brand Will Win The Crown For Team Handsome?

The fight begins...

The fight begins… / Artwork by @AndySmoke

It’s been weighing on our minds for some time now about which shoe company will fill the enormous void that Gravis left behind

As a brand that was already established outside of skateboarding, someone at Gravis came up with the clever idea to launch a skateboarding program but little did they know the effects it was going to have on skateboarding. What followed after a questionable line of strange skate models was the formula that created the subculture we now know as “Team Handsome”. What occurred after this massive campaign was launched can never be undone. The acceptance of fashionista figures was now in the face of every skateboarder in the world. More so, skateboarder’s everywhere were embracing it with each cuff of their already tightly fitting pants. Shirts were no longer designed to fit complacently around your neck but were now subjected to stretching and even cropping. This never-ending trend has now left many of these subjects yearning for a new brand to follow and loyally call it their new home. Their search ends today.

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CONS
Why? – Their recent acquisition of Sage and Sean Pablo has been leaving many moist to say the least. More over, the dreamy K.A. could make any man question their sexuality. Sadly, CONS is our last pick of the litter when questioning T.H.’s uncertain future. Aside from their stagnant display of CTS repeats (but if it ain’t broke don’t fix it), CONS isn’t fully ready to embrace such a handsome lifestyle. What with the prep of having to paint your nails and commit to a diet of iced coffees and cigarettes, the CONS team would easily foil under the pressures of tucking in their shirts. Also, Kenny isn’t enough to cover up the unappealing decor of Jason Jesse. #Jussayin

Bonus Theory: Anyone else think Kenny is Louie’s biological father? Crazy resemblance…

That "I just woke up & rode my bike to come see you" look is a lady-killer.

That “I just woke up & rode my bike to come see you” look is a lady-killer.

NB#
Why? – Not gonna lie, NB# barely came into consideration for this list. Their footwear looks good with a pair of cuffed pants but by no means does that mean they’re T.H. material. Their only saving grace happens to be Arto. His skating does the talking but if his European features don’t catch your attention, we don’t know what will. What’s even more appealing about Arto is his newfound love for photography. “Ermahgerd! He shoots photos? That means he’s got a sensitive side. Maybe he’ll want to shoot photos of me!” are just one of many things that women are saying. Sadly, this is about as good as it gets for NB#. Jordan Taylor has boyish good looks but nothing sufficient enough to pull in anything more than a desperate Milf. This photo: so dreamy.

Sadly, the most fitting Team Handsome shoe that Nike could ever come up with doesn't exist.

Sadly, the most fitting Team Handsome shoe that Nike could ever come up with doesn’t exist. Design mock-up courtesy of Can1Live.

Nike
Why? – Given this girl’s reaction with just Sean Malto, how catastrophic do you think a photo shoot including Donovon Piscopo, Alex Olson and Sean Malto would be? Although, as driven as his fans are, Malto shouldn’t be included in this race. Not our cup of tea. Let’s substitute him with Wieger Van Wageningen or BA. This Malto-less line up is worthy of its own catwalk and has the potential to harness a beauty that could be worthy of the T.H. crown…but it probably won’t happen. What really makes a Team Handsome is their pursuit for a larger than life fashion sense. While BA is incredibly great at this, his valor cannot be expected to hold up the whole team. I mean, they’ve got a big fucking team.

Hit the club or the bar mitzvah or the skate park. Whatever you want....

HUF Dylan Pro

HUF
Why? – The clear winner, replacing Gravis’ overbearing shadow, is HUF. They, amongst all the brands mentioned here, have created their niche while fulfilling the needs of T.H. followers (without going overboard). Whereas Gravis made it blatantly known that they were after the metrosexual market with their products, HUF has created clothing and footwear that can make any slob look presentable, even without the size 30 waistline. With the addition of Dylan, along with his designing methods, HUF will capitalize off of all of those consumers left over from Gravis’ ruthless stronghold. With the debut of his 1st HUF pro model fast approaching, are there enough dedicated T.H. followers leftover to buy his shoe or have his fans from the Gravis days disbanded due to a lack Dylan-endorsed products? Who knows…but in the age of $100+ skate shoes, Dylan’s HUF pro model could surprise many people. Just think about how ridiculous his first Gravis pro model seemed to be when you first saw it….aren’t you wishing there were around now? History does repeat itself and this situation is no exception.

Comments

  1. Justin

    June 30, 2014 4:44pm

    I really hope this was directed at femails that come to this site??? Cause I’m not sure why this would be important.. Is there truly a trend in New York where this is relevant or the shoe companies aren’t giving out Freebies? We can’t expect the pro’s to tell us what to wear!!!
    Can’t we just leave shit like this on the SLAP Boards, and go grab a pair of those Supra’s, HUF’s or ‘ES joints and tell us about them.. Thanx from a loyal reader!!!

    Reply
  2. ptwon

    July 1, 2014 3:30am

    sus

    Reply
  3. Bunch o crap

    July 1, 2014 4:42pm

    Hahahaha was this whole article for real? Team Handsome shoes?
    Either my sarcasm detector is on vacation or Ripped Laces has turned into 100% pure shit!!!
    Do you guys even skate?

    Reply
    • Prezi Oki

      July 7, 2014 3:33am

      you should probably just replace the batteries in your sarcasm detector. Duracells last the longest usually.

  4. Broshuacrowe

    July 2, 2014 4:58am

    Forget all these people hating, this article is hilarious and on point! But let’s discuss HUF and its the all white guy line up…

    Reply
  5. Julian

    July 2, 2014 8:55am

    Huf doesn’t really have any models that are comparable to gravis aside from the sutter.

    Reply
  6. hmmm

    July 2, 2014 4:52pm

    Hahahah. On point. Good stuff.

    Reply
  7. Chris G

    July 2, 2014 7:49pm

    I read this for laughs! Where ever Dylan is team handsome will follow. Austyn is there to help. Does this make Hufangle a DILF? Also Pepper would get the mature women, Cromer real in the young ladies, and Romandetta will fill in the void for alternative chicks. Yes we are all now suspect after reading this

    Reply
  8. vlagtr

    July 21, 2014 2:39am

    No supra? Those shoes are pretty handsome. Lol

    Reply

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